Such a dilemma !!

It must be a terrible burden to be famous for being homeless. After all, once you are no longer homeless, you have no claim to fame. And then you have to maintain interest in your blog (and I use the term "interest" very loosely) by increasing the dribble quotient of your posts. Take the latest post by Anya (dated 26th August). Fans eager for news after a whole month of silence will be relieved to hear that she wasn't involved in some horrific building collapse involving a jutting out kitchen but just went to Ireland to "escape the hideous heat". Most of us just opened a window but I guess that the big wedge of spondoolicks she got from Harper Collins was burning a hole in her pocket so off she trotted to another country. Sounds like she's gotten over the whole homeless thing pretty quickly, eh chums ! But without the daily struggle for existence (which had quite literally tens of people all over the world hanging on her every word) to talk about in her blog, how best to drive up interest in her forthcoming book? Perhaps introducing some characters from the forthcoming book as a taster. Waahaay !! Inspiration strikes and off she (allegedly) pops to see some bloke who couldn't give a rats arse about his daughters welfare over the last year. Cue lots of catching "glimpses of each other in the driver’s mirror" (Trés Dramatique!) as her drove her all over Ireland (if the post is to be believed). But why would you catch a glimpse in the drivers' mirror (we call it a rear view mirror in this country, love)? Surely this only happens when someone is driving and someone is in the back seat. Ahhhh... Lady Muck must have been too proud to sit in the front with "the driver" and therefore must have chose to be chauffeured around, waving regally as the local inhabitants of those quaint Irish villages doffed their cap as she glided gracefully through. Cue much waffly lyrical waxing as she gets back into her stride with the overly flowery dogs dinner that she thinks marks her writing as that of a true author.

• Daddy quoting poetry under apple trees.
• Sharing a snack with Daddy at the seaside.
• Clattering around narrow bumpy roads in a horse and trap with Daddy.

Luckily some self defence anti-boredom mechanism kicked in at that point and I could read no more of this piss poor Mills & Boon garbage, choosing instead, to slip into a welcoming coma as the lesser of two evils. Could some kind soul read the rest of the post and let me know how it turns out. I do hope it involves a ferry sinking.

Wikipedia

Newcomers to the internet phenomenon of the artist formerly known as Wanderingscribe will now be able to glean a brief synopsis of this elusive figure at Wikipedia. The entry (already updated) also includes a handy link to this very blog so that new readers can get both sides of the story and not just the version that Anya Peters wants to portray. Whilst the entry includes some very relevant points, it fails to mention the wildly optimistic claim by the BBC that Anya's site was receiving over 100,000 hits a month. Although emails were sent to the BBC querying this figure and asking for verification, no answer was received. Much like Anya's blog itself where she closed down the comments section to stop people asking those awkward questions that she would rather people didn't ask. Can't have the truth getting in the way of a good story, can we ........

One month and counting .....

As Anya Peter's blog approaches the first month anniversary of no updates, questions are being asked about whether it was really all a hoax and has she finally been "sussed" by her publishers. History shows us that time and again, publishers have been fooled into publishing books from wannabe authors who have stretched the truth in order to garner a book deal. Here's a few examples. Norma Khouri A Jordanian woman living in exile in Australia, she wrote about her experiences in Jordan where she worked at a Unisex hair salon with her friend who fell in love with a Christian. Eventually things turned sour for their relationship and her friend was the victim of an honour killing whereby Norma fled from Jordan in fear for her life. Exciting stuff eh ! The book was released by Random House publishing in 2003 and immediately became a best seller, shifting over 500,000 copies in Australia. Unfortunately some of the "facts" didn't add up and a journalist researched the story properly (shouldn't the publishers do this?) and found that although Khouri was born and lived in Jordan, she emigrated at the age of three. The story was made up. In August 2004 Khouri admitted that she had took "literary licence" with the book but received no payment for it (a fact strongly denied by her publishers). Helen Darville In 1993 Helen wrote about her experiences (using the pen name of Helen Demidenko) in her home country of the Ukraine and particularly about two brothers who survive Stalinism only to become members of the Nazi Einsatzgruppen death squads. The novel was widely acclaimed and won various awards including the Australian Literature Society Gold Medal and in 1995 the Miles Franklin Award (the most prestigious literary award in Australia). Sadly though, it turned out that Darville was of British origin and had manufactured a fantasy life as someone of Ukrainian descent . Critics labelled the novel a hoax and the judges who had granted the awards were ridiculed in the press. Laura Victoria Albert Presented to the public and publishers as a transgendered, sexually questioning, abused, former homeless drug addict and male prostitute called JT LeRoy, JT has produced several books and numerous magazine articles. However, after writing a piece for the Sunday Times Travel Magazine about Disneyland Paris, discrepancies were noted regarding the expenses submitted. Further investigations revealed that JT didn't actually exist but was a concoction of a wannabe author named Laura Albert. Articles in the New York Times provided evidence to this fact in January and February 2006. Kaycee Nicole Kaycee was presented as a high school student suffering from frequent and severe health problems, and had an online diary with a large Internet following. After it was "reported" that she had died of leukaemia, triggering an outpouring of condolences and grief from her readers, some wondered whether she was in fact a real person. Following an investigation, it turned out that Kaycee was a fictional person invented by her "mother". Although many gifts had been sent to Kaycee and subsequently received by her "mother", the FBI decided that t was not a case of fraud and no charges were brought. Although the last example did not end with a publishing deal, it serves as a reminder of the power of the internet and the evolution of methods employed by fraudsters in order to draw attention to themselves. Remind you of anybody we know..........

Security Alert !!

Britain was in a high state of alert today as security forces gained reliable intelligence that Anya Peters was thinking of leaving the country to promote her forthcoming book "Abandoned - The True Story of a Little Girl who made a Fortune from a Blog". In order to reduce the potential panic that may have ensued, they made up some story about terrorists trying to blow up planes as a cover for the massive security operation that swung into effect to stop anybody outside the UK experiencing the drivel that has become Anya's trademark. A spokesman for the National Intelligence Taskforce for Wanderingscribe Incidence of Travelling Suppression (NITWITS) commented "It just wouldn't be fair for other countries to suffer how the great people of the UK have at the hands of this assassin of the English Language". He continued "Although we have highly experienced teams searching the southern counties for all instances of jutting out kitchens, we cannot take a chance that she'll manage to slip out of the country before we manage to track her down, hence this security operation". US officials expressed concern that an anagram of Anya Peters is “A Neater Spy”, an anagram of Wanderingscribe is "Inbred Car Swine" and that Anya is known to have links with a Middle Eastern country (she once stored figs in the boot of her car). The FBI immediately raised their country’s Alert Level to “Cacking Pants”, one level below “Holy Shit!”.

Super Hero Sidekick Wanted

As I am being continually praised for my heroic deeds in outing the evil doings of con atists, I have decided to take the leap and become a full time Super Hero. "Wanderingscribe Man" Naturally I shall require a Sidekick to assist me in my duties so if you would like to apply for the role of "Laneway Boy" then send a CV attached to a used £20 note and I shall consider your application. Uniform wil be provided Hugssssss....... Anya Peters

Abandoned - The True story of a Little Girl who went to a Madonna concert.

Looks like everyone is jumping on the Abandoned Bandwagon these days.

© Daily Mirror

Perhaps Anya will be able to form a self help group for abandoned women everywhere. They could meet for tea and crackers in the jutting out kitchen once a week.

I remember now ........

A Cafe somewhere in London. Two women sit hunched over cups of steaming foaming coffee's. The steam tendrils dance like wafty steamy things in the air between them. Agent: I'm pleased to say that I have found some publishers who may be willing to publish a book by you. Homeless Bum: That's good news because I have a novel half finished already. Agent: Yeah that's great but we'd like the book to be about your life story. You know, your upbringing, the pain you've suffered as a child, the abuse etc. Homeless Bum: But I wasn't abused as a child. Agent: Oh come on now, Abuse takes many forms. It could be someone looking at you funny or some creepy person that you don't feel comfortable around. There must have been people like that in your life. Homeless Bum: Not really. I had a privileged upbringing and a good education. It wasn't till I made some bad choices later in life that I became homeless through my own inadequacies. Agent: Are you sure because the "misery memoir" market is very hot at the moment. Homeless Bum: Quite sure. But my novel is half finished and I'm sure it will be very popular. Agent: Listen Sweety, no one is interested in yet another novel from an unknown author, Do you realise how many hundreds of novels get published every month? You are on the map because you are a victim. People will want to read about you being a victim. Are you sure you weren't abused? Homeless Bum: Yes, quite sure. Agent: That's a pity then as I can't really see much interest in any book. Are you absolutely positive that you weren't kiddie fiddled? Homeless Bum: Well...... now you mention it, it's all coming back to me now. Agent: Excellent. I'll knock up a few bullet points and let the publishers know that there's lots of competition for your human interest story. That should get 'em vying against each other which will push up the amount we can claim as an advance. Homeless Bum: Really? Gosh. But my blog never mentioned any abuse. Agent: That's probably because you had blocked it out whilst you were homeless but now you are getting yourself together, you can tell the world the whole story. Right? Homeless Bum: Ummm.... yeah. Actually it's all coming back to me now. There were quite a few incidents where I was abused. Agent: That's the ticket, Sweety. You get busy jotting down a few rough notes and we'll get a ghost writer to flesh the thing out to a few hundred pages. I'll get busy with my contacts. I've a feeling this will be very lucrative for both of us ..........

Step in Time

As I was driving through London my car overheated. Sure enough, as foretold in the prophecies of Wanderingscribe, I glanced in the mirror and there, running down the street in ther hi-viz jackets were a lovable bunch of Cockney workmen. Before you could say "Knees up Mother Brown", they'd pushed my car to "The Mary Poppins Garage" where a fat jolly faced mechanic fixed it up lickety split, cleaned the windows, filled the tank and only charged me tuppence !! As I climbed back into my car and gave a cheery wave to the jolly faced mechanic, I noticed that the lovable Cockney workmen were following me down the street, doing a dance with their shovels..... Kick your knees up, step in time Never need a reason, Never need a rhyme Kick your knees up, step in time..... Gawd Blimey !!

Who'd ave adam and eve'd it !!

Inspiration

Anya is reminded of another interesting facet of her life that she thinks will be of interest to her fans .....

I shall say zis onlee wonse !

A recent article by Spotlightradio highlighted Wanderingscribes blog. Spotlightradio appears to be a Christian organisation who post articles in "Specialised English", a special English method of broadcasting. This may come as a surprise to those of us who use English everyday and never knew there was a special way of speaking it. Apparently, you need to go on a course run by Officer Crabtree from "Allo Allo" who teaches you how to speak English correctly !?! I fear that if "Johnny Foreigner" thinks that all people in England speak like this, he'll be very much surprised when he lands in our fair shores for a holiday. The article about Wanderingscribe (available in mp3 format here ) will be appreciated by fans of Anya for many reasons, not the least of which is that the narrators speak slowly and leave nice big gaps so you can mull over the last sentence in your mind. Sadly though, the Spotlightradio researchers have a comprehension level on a par with a small piece of blue fluff you find in your belly button. They inform their listener that Anya covers how she lost her job in London (must be in the hidden part of her blog that no-one else has seen) and cherry picks at the comments left on the blog, telling how people offer help etc. No mention of the detractors of course and why not? Probably two reasons. 1. As it's a Christian site they'd want to accentuate the positive and "big up" the "fellowship of man" angle. 2. Anya has been systematically removing any of the comments that asked questions or raised doubts about the authenticity of her claims. On this blog, we have touched on the subject of Anya removing negative posts from the comments section of her blog before but this article by Spotlighradio highlights the fact that, if someone now researches her story, they'll find precious few detractors and will be given the impression that the whole world is wishing her well and are all firm believers in her story. Thank goodness this blog exists to provide a bit of balance. Not that the (ex) die hard Anya fans will be swayed the humble views offered by this blog. If they lapped up Anya's "wonderful and insightful" waffle then they are the ideal target audience for Spotlightradio and will rejoice in finding somewhere that provides "wonderful and insightful" narration to listen to as they do their basket weaving at the day centre.

Who's got the scoop ?

As many of you will be aware, Anya rarely posts any actual news on her blog these days, relying instead on the usual claptrap and arty farty bollocks to maintain the interest of her readers. In fact, things have got so bad on her site that even she herself has started to keep a careful eye on this very site to see what's going on. Don't believe me? Well, although Anya claims to have only popped over to visit once to see what the fuss was about, careful scrutiny of the IP's of all visitors means that I can pinpoint said visitors to quiet a high degree of accuracy. This site was also the first to break the news of the advanced sales of Anya's book (with acknowledgments to Third Eye) on Amazon before even Anya herself knew. In fact, she was forced to mention it on her own blog a few days later as a damage limitation exercise. My oh my, how that must have pained her that someone else had robbed her of the chance to post something solid on her site instead of the usual meaningless mumbo jumbo about crackers, trees or fairies. As I mentioned from the very first posts, this site is a Wanderingscribe Bullshit free zone and it's heartening that even Anya herself is keeping tabs on my humble "tribute" site to keep abreast of developments concerning her con. Stay tuned folks ........

Book? What book?

Can Anya ever make a single post without lying? I pose the question as today’s post by her claims that she hasn't even started writing it yet even though it's being advertised on Amazon. Hold on a mo though ....... So what exactly sparked a bidding war for the rights to her book if nothing existed? Are we to believe that those hard headed literary agents were so bowled over by the quality of writing on the wanderingscribe blog that they were fighting each other to sign her up without any scrap of evidence that she could do anything else apart from write about trees and fairies and blagging free car parking? Let's have a reality check here for a moment. We are led to believe that this poor frightened soul who shuns other people and has just recovered from a mental breakdown can suddenly land a big shot literary agent who then whips the publishing world into a bidding war frenzy for an unknown author who has absolutely nothing to demonstrate their writing skill apart from a blog? Someones 'avin a larf here. The more we see, the more we believe. That it's one big con.

STOP THE PRESS !!

Despite only having an agent for a few weeks, moving into her new bedsit, unpacking, eating beans on toast and watching Big Brother, Anya has had time to finish her book. That's right. It's finished !! How do we know? Because it's already being advertised on Amazon with the length of 320 pages being quoted (and apparently she's now a little girl !?!). Surely even her most sycophantic followers that have been showering her with good wishes and hopes that life gets better for her can hardly fail to appreciate that it just is not possible to knock a book up in a couple of weeks. It had to have been written already. Which makes a mockery of the whole homeless element. The very basis for starting her blog in the first place. Or was it? There were some amongst us who thought it was all an exercise in getting a book published. And lo and behold, it's true. I wonder if the BBC will be singing her praises now when they realise that they have been duped into giving her the publicity she craved all along.

Abandoned ?

As news of Anya's book deal starts to spread, her work so far is being critiqued by her peers and, as happened previously, it's found to be wanting. An article on Grumpyoldbookman's site gives some background info about the book deal, including the news that the title will be "Abandoned". (I prefer "Doon The Laneway" but I suppose it doesn't have the same "pity me" ring to it). Although her blog was how she came to the attention of book publishers, well, that and her drive to publicise it on book review sites, the book itself will be "a memoir of Anya Peters's abusive childhood and subsequent homelessness." Riiiiiiiggghhhtttt........... So she was living in her car because she was abused as a kid. Funny how her blog didn't really mention that bit much. Not much at all. If a minor celebrity had been abused as a kid then it usually comes out when their career has hit a bit of a slow patch and they need a boost but as Anya is only famous(?) for her blog then it's yet another puzzling element as to why anyone would be interested in her story. Anyhoo, some of her soon to be peers have popped over to her blog to eye up the competition and it has to be said, they ain't trembling in their boots. "... this must be the biggest non-story of the year" "I'll certainly read the book if I get a night off sticking pins in my eyes." "I stopped reading her blog, not only because she hasn't posted much of anything since her book deal, but also because she's become repetitive and quite boring." I think Anya also managed to ruffle a few feathers amongst professional authors by stating "Writing a book can't be that difficult." Yes love, any old Tom, Dick or Anya can knock one out just by staring at trees for a few weeks (or so you are led to believe). That poor ghost writer has their work cut out.

That darned btinternet email address

A frequent topic of debate on Wanderingscribe's comments sections (before she shut them down cus the questions were getting too close to the truth) has been Anya's use of the wanderingscribe@btinternet.com email account. Her Sicko-fants have defended the use of it by making up stuff to defend her (as usual) but Anya herself has always made no comment. Indeed, she has rarely, if at all, answered any of the pertinent questions that have been asked about her supposed situation So let's ponder for a few moments on the email address. In one of her earlier posts she mentions that she chose the name to reflect her circumstances. How bizarre. Was she already homeless at that point? I only ask you to consider this because, on the sign up page for a btinternet account, the terms and conditions clearly state "Requires a BT line or similar non cable line." So you have to have a BT line to have a btinternet account. So was Anya homeless when she chose the wanderingscribe moniker to use as her email address? Surely homeless people don't have broadband or even a landline phone? But the terms and conditions on that page state that "All internet calls charges appear on your telephone bill". But where would the bill go to if you didn't have a phone. Which would be in your house. Which you wouldn't have if you were homeless. Now Anya did confess that when she signed on for her benefit, she claimed to be living at an old address (which is benefit fraud) so could she have been using this same old address to maintain a telephone line there? But how did the monthly telephone bill get paid? By Direct debit from her bank account (the same one she recieved her benefits and later, the paypal donations) from? Hmmmm.... I've never been homeless but I'm pretty sure that if I was and I absolutely definitely had to have an email address, I'd have a free one like Hotmail etc. instead of going to the trouble of paying for a telephone line at an old address merely to maintain a suitable email address that I'd thought of before I was homeless. Unless of course it was integral to my cunning plan (© Baldrick) to get a book deal .................. But even then, it doesn't add up. Like so many things in Anya's blog.

Has the drivel stopped?

Those of us that may have been hoping that the torrent of tedium had terminated were dismayed to find that, now that Anya has finally unpacked all her bin bags into her bedsit, her blog has a few extra posts of.. well, the usual mix of no info and tons of flowery waffle about nothing in particular. Springing back into life on Sunday, she whined a bit about someone impersonating her (I suspect she means wobblingscruffbag) and then gave a pathetic reason about why she had switched off comments. It was to stop someone impersonating her. Sorry love, run that one by me again! The comments had been moderated since May 6th and she managed to allow all the obsequies posts through whilst removing anything that cast the merest shadow of doubt about her endeavour to get a book deal. Once the book deal had been obtained however and she had found a bedsit, the comments were totally ignored. Even though the only ones that would have appeared would have been those in praise of her and her upturn in fortunes (and based on the previous track record of the sad individuals that thought of her as "one of the family" and "prayed for her", you can bet there would have been several hundred), not one comment was deemed worthy to be published. Perhaps Anya had got what she wanted from the blog and didn't need "the fans" anymore...... But still they wrote ....... Hurling their messages of devotion and everlasting love at Anya's comments box in the vain hope that they would be smiled upon and they'd be able to show to all the world that they hadn't given up. Tsk Tsk.. Such a nuisance for Anya who had better thing to do now (like make Beans on Toast and write about Trees some more). But still they wrote ....... So Anya changed the settings on her blog so that only Team Members could post comments. Except Anya was the only Team Member. Problem solved you'd think. Nobody was worthy to be in Anya's gang. Oh dear... That might be a bit of a PR faux pas when it comes to publishing time. So out came the lame excuse that the comments were turned off because of the "masquerader". That'll stop 'em. errr.. OK. On the plus side though, she won't be distracted anymore so she can turn her mighty intellect to book writing. But let's hope there's a ghost writer involved somewhere or they have decent spell checkers/Grammar checkers at HarperCollins. For someone who is supposedly well educated, the amount of errors creeping into the posts are appalling. Some of you may think I'm being picky but if you aspire to be a writer, surely you should be able to write. And proof read your work. There's no excuse for tardiness. I look forward to her book being reviewed by this site. But then again, Anya isn't that bothered about the little things like attention to detail. It's what has tripped her up time and again in her postings and it's what will be her undoing eventually when (if) she brings her tale to a wider audience. And I'll be right there behind her. I'll be the one saying "No no no, you don't wanna do it like that, you wanna do it like this!".

More review copies printed

In an effort to overcome the luke warm reception at the news of Anya Peters forthcoming book, more copies of the first draft have been printed and sent out.

This batch was more warmly received.

Wanderingscribe Abridged (2)

I have recieved thousands of emails from people grateful for the first abridged version of Wanderingscribes tedious blog and so offer up the second summary. For the benefit of new readers, I have taken out the introspective 6th form angst riddled clap trap and just present the facts in order that you can quickly get up to speed on what this site is all about. Part one covered events up to the end of May and here's part two. Are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin ............ June 9 - My neck hurts June 25 - Turned off all comments completely. June 26 - Unpacked. Ate some melon. Opened and closed a desk drawer a few times (seriously) And that's it to date. I'm sure you'll agree it's a piss poor effort but by the time all the waffle is taken out, that's all there is. Perhaps she has a part time job making sandwiches in those crummy back street shops where it's all bread and no meat.

First Review

Using my contacts inside the literary world, I have been able to grab a first draft of the forthcoming epic of major proportions by Anya Peters (Wanderingscribe) entitled "Doon the Laneway". As is customery, well known authors are often approached and asked for a comment to add to the book cover and I have also obtained a copy of some of the intial approaches made to authors after they have been sent a review copy of the book. Here are some of the responses that I don't think will be making the cover of Anya's first book. "Anya who?" Stephen King "How did you get this number?" J.K. Rowling "Utter Tosh! ..... My eyes felt like they'd been raped....." Catherine Cookson Maybe with book two then .........

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Sadly it seems that Anya's nomination in the NewStatesman' s New Media Award 2006 failed to make an impact on the judges. Despite mustering all her talents to pour out her heart and soul in an effort to reach out to others, she was beaten by a site that slags off Tony Blair and a Youth Club of 11-25 year olds. Will this further indication that she has absolutely no talent, thwart our heroine of the laneways in her efforts to get that book foisted on an undeserving public? We can only hope ..........

The Critics Speak

Now that Anya has secured her book deal through subterfuge and downright lying, she'll have to face the beady eye of the critics. Not the fawning muppets who have been fooled into singing her praises via the comments section (until even Anya got sick of them and refused to moderate any more) but the real life ones. As the promosed book is still quite a way off, they have taken a sneaky peaky at Anya's work so far and viewed her blog. Oh dear .... The Book Trust posts info about books to be released in the near future and they have taken the time to posts some of the comments that viewers of the BBC article posted (presumably they were too busy to actually visit the Wanderingscribe blog or they just couldn't care). The comments ranged from "heartwarming" and "wonderful" to "totally not interested" and "this deal makes me sick". Meanwhile, over at The Friday Project they have taken the time to read the blog. Well, some of it as their stomachs weren't strong enouigh to face the sheer avalanche of peurile prose. They do seem to have a grasp of the subject matter though as they surmise that the blog was the resut of several factors:

• Anya's miserable childhood (You are nothing these days if you didn't have one of those or were abused as a child (but I suspect the abuse bit will be saved for book two))
• Her relationship problems.
• Her financial problems.
• Her mental breakdown.

Pssst Guys, you forgot the No. 1 reason which was her desire to get a book deal They continue "Wandering Scribe actually becomes quite exhausting to read after a bit, because of all the wonderment and beauty and deep thoughts. And prose that's straight out of the Self Help section of Waterstones". They even have a view of the comments posted by her sicko-fants: Sadly, even if you're a fairly sympathetic person, reading this glurge starts to turn you into Norman Tebbit. I wonder if her agent has pointed this out and that's the reason why no more sickly lovey dovey comments have been approved by Anya? Not to worry Anya Fans, as soon as she starts her promotion of the book, you can bet that those comments will be opened up to the faithful and the foolish once more. The Friday Project conclude by stating that they "think the book will be a roaring success - certainly amongst people who can only relate to the world through vague, solipsistic emotional rambling, online support networks, crap New Age poetry and self-help platitudes." Uh huh ... But once all of Anya's 40 or so Sicko-fants have bought the book, who will buy it then?