Playing Catch Up

Hello dearest followers of Fashion,
As you can see, it's been a while since I blessed your eyeballs with more of my inane ramblings but that's because I have been busy lobbying my MP to reduce carbon emmissions by campaigning for Baked Beans to be taxed as a luxury item at 200% VAT.

Naturally, as sales of my best selling book (have I mentioned lately my book what I wroted all by myself about my exciting times living in a car?) have been on a bit of a slide, I have had time to think about the poor people.
People like you who adore and revere me but don't have anything worth blogging about in their own humdrum lives.
Such as living in a car.
And you know what I decided to do for you?

I've decided to write occasionally in my blog about things.

Now I know you are probably already falling to your knees in gratitude but there's no need.
It's my calling in life.
I really do feel that the gap left by the passing of Mother Theresa (that old bint who wore a tea towel round her head) has left a spiritual gap that can only be filled by someone who has known true hardship.
The kind of hardship that involves living in a car.
You see where I'm going with this?

I lived in a car you know ......

I am sitting here trying to catch up with emails.
Lots of them from people telling me how I saved their lives, the lives of their unborn babies, how I cured leprosy in their village, how I made water appear in the most arid deserts and how I cured cancer.
All from reading my book.

As I sit here in my dingy bedsit I'm always amazed at the view.
Over there on the left are the great pyramids of Giza, just next to Niagara Falls.
Then there's the twinkling lights of the Eiffel tower towering over the Mighty Amazon river.
Sometimes I take a stroll down the Great wall of China that runs right outside my bedsit, past the Statue of Liberty at the bottom of my road, alongside the Taj Mahal and round the corner down to the local newsagents which sits under the shadow of the Colosseum.
Stefan Tcholzinzki (the kindly bearded owner who reminds me of Dumbledore) always falls at my feet and gets his staff to scatter roses before me as I stroll up and down his aisles, selecting such exotic wares as half an ounce of Golden Virginia Hard Shag and a bottle of Peruvian Yaks milk before returning to my dilapidated bedsit to stare once more at my PC screen and immerse myself in the halcyon days of yesteryear.
The days when I was living in a car.

Did I mention that I once lived in a car?
And I wrote a book which you can buy from the many many links and references I post on my blog.
The self same blog where people come to leave such wonderful bum licky messages of support.

Somehow life just isn't the same since I got four walls around me.
Ahhhh... the good old days.......

But of course you didn't come to my blog to hear about me popping out to to the shops or staring out the window at world famous landmarks that I can see (each and every one of them) from my Stained Glass Window (designed incidentally by Leonardo Da Vinci when he was staying in Hackney for a while).

You came to post comments about how I have saved this entire planet by virtue of my great writing what I are wroting in mi book whot i are wroted.

God bless you little people for merely dreaming to have the lifestyle that I have.
For spending your hard earned welfare tokens on my book
For you are the wind beneath my pants ......

Dickie birds in the rain

I looked out tthe window today.

It was raining.
I saw some dickie birds.

I might look out the window again tomorrow.

And write in my blog about it.

Cus the public are enthraled by my lifestyle.


They tell me so in the comments section.

Which is nice .......

Wanderingscribe Abridged (4)

As Anya has once again found herself at a loss for things to do and hence has returned to blogging to boost sales of her book, new readers may be wondering what all the fuss is about.

If someone brought you the book for Krimbo (and why would anyone think a depressing tale of child abuse and homelessness would make a spiffing present at Christmas?) and you discovered her site, you may baulk at the daunting task of reading through the blog.

Fear not Citizen because, as a public service, I have been taking notes and regularly present an abridged version so that folks can get up to speed in a jiffy.

Here in a special New Years Day Edition is the complete Wanderingscribe Blog, abridged for your convenience.
The posts have been grouped in colour by months so that you can gauge the amount of activity per month at a glance.

01/04/06 – Waffle
02/04/06 - Added NYT audio link to blog
03/04/06 - Added the PayPal button.
05/04/06 - Visited a library.
06/04/06 - Waffle

08/04/06 - Did some ironing in the hospital

10/04/06 - Nearly asked for a job in a fairground. But didn’t.
11/04/06 - Waffle
15/04/06 - Went to church. Saw an old friend. Thought about getting therapy.
20/04/06 - Waffle
22/04/06 - Did some washing. Had a shower and a cup of tea.
25/04/06 - Read lots of comments on the blog.
27/04/06 - Read some emails.
28/04/06 - Waffle
29/04/06 - Waffle
03/05/06 - Waffle
06/05/06 - Took down PayPal button. Switched comments to moderated. Got an agent.
07/05/06 - Been to some meetings
10/05/06 - Waffle
13/05/06 - Waffle
15/05/06 - Waffle
17/05/06 - Got a book deal.
22/05/06 - Looking for a place to live. Did an interview.
26/05/06 - Waffle
31/05/06 - Got a Bedsit. Made Beans on Toast.
09/06/06 - My neck hurts
25/06/06 - Turned off all comments completely.
26/06/06 - Unpacked. Ate some melon. Opened and closed a desk drawer a few times (seriously!!)
03/07/06 - Reminisced about when I was homeless and it was hot.

17/07/06 - Car broke down

17/08/06 - Waffle

26/08/06 - Been on holiday to Ireland

September - No posts

21/10/06 - Reminisced about when I was homeless and I slept in a car.

21/11/06 - Finished the book.

27/11/06 - Reminisced about when I was homeless and hungry.

24/12/06 - Bought presents and cards for friends (?)
15/01/07 - Reminisced about being homeless. Looking for a job.
21/01/07 - Got a cold. Had some Lemsip.
11/02/07 - Thought about my book.

March - No Posts

21/04/07 - Collected some stuff I had in storage (?).Reminisced about being homeless
30/04/07 - Saw my book in a bookstore.
01/05/07 - My book is out today.
08/05/07 - Radio interview to promote my book.
17/05/07 - Reminisced about being homeless.
27/05/07 - My book is in the charts.
18/06/07 - Went for a ride on a bicycle.
11/07/07 - Got sent a picture of a homeless woman.

August - No Posts

September - No Posts
07/10/07 - Here’s my paperback cover (in case you were wondering).
04/11/07 - Paperback out tomorrow. Went for a walk.
09/11/07 - Saw a fox.
20/11/07 - Saw someone buying my book. Reopened comments on blog but only approving and displaying nice ones
30/11/07 - Looking for a job. Want to write another book.
02/12/07 - Was going to go for a walk. Didn’t.
09/12/07 - Answered some emails. Reminisced about being homeless
21/12/07 - Thought about “Mummy” and kiddie fiddling Uncle.
24/12/07 - Christmas Greetings to all blog readers.
31/12/07 - Got a cold.

Riveting stuff eh !!

57 posts of pure literary errrr...... attempts.

Naturally you will be curious as to whether this is in fact a true picture of the events that transpired on her blog and you'll pop over for a quick shuftie.

Curiosity is a human trait (and one of cats too but it all ended badly for them).

But why bother?

After all, everything you read on the Internet is true, right!?!

*** Welcome to 2008 ***

© Anya Peters 2008

Yesterday’s News

As the change of pace continues to increase exponentially on this crazy planet we call home, it seems that publishers eagerness for misery memoirs is on the wane as they search for "The Next Big Thing".
With so many misery memoirs flooding the market and the non-stop barrage of reality TV shows on the box these days, it's only natural that "Reality Blogs" will also follow and news reaches my ears that the next blogging phenomenon to hit the bookshelves will be the everyday tale of a single mother scraping a living just above the breadline.

The author of Single Mother on the Verge is the latest blogger to be offered a book deal based purely on her ability to string a couple of words into a sentence on a blog.
Whilst her writing style may best be described as basic, she does at least seem to have an idea of how a blog works.

Indeed, although the blog has only been running for three months, she appears to have already won a blogging award, hardly quel surprise there as she is billed as a freelance writer, something our very own Anya aspires to be.
At this juncture, I can see new visitors to this humble blog thinking to themselves "Hang on, she wrote a book so she must be a writer".

Allow me to point out one of many many inconsistencies in Anya's story.
Whilst Anya herself might bang on ad nauseum about her writing skills, it was actually Andrew Croft who wrote "Abandoned" after Harper Collins brought him in once they caught sight of the standard of writing that Anya was presenting to them.

But I digress ............

It must be galling to Anya to see these young whippersnappers coming up to steal her limelight.
After all, the best Anya could come up with in terms of blogging awards was a nomination in 2006.
Even this humble homage managed that feat in 2007 and I have no skills at all.
Well, there is that one with the two ping pong balls and the tin of squirty cream but it doesn't translate well onto a blog .....

No wonder Anya's looking for a job and reminiscing about the good old days when she was (allegedly) homeless and had her whole future in front of her instead of diminishing in the rear view mirror of life.

Time to Blog again

As the book sales of the worlds least known author begin to dwindle and she starts to become restless once more for all the fame and adulation she truly thinks she deserves, it transpires that not only has Anya Peters started to blog again but she has even opened up the comments facility.

Regular readers may recall that although she initially had it open to allcomers, she limited posting to registered users as more and more people became sceptical of her motives and modus operandi.
Once the nay sayers and dissenting voices became the dominant force, she closed all comments altogether.
After all, nobody wants to hear the truth, do they!

Covered up under the guise of "not enough time to answer all the fan mail due to hectic press junkets etc", the ability to add comments remained closed.
Until now.

There could only be one or two reasons for this:
1. With book sales dwindling, her advance money spent and still facing life in a poky bedsit with no prospects, she has all the time in the world to blog and bask in the glow of people still taken in by her sob story.

2. She's desperately trying to fan the flame of publicity in any way possible now that her 15 milliseconds of fame are over.

Strangely though, despite several comments being added there's not one dissenting voice to be seen.

Now, this could be due to the fact that she has to personally approve each and every comment before it appears or it could be due to the fact that the only people that go there are muppets who are new to her story.

Let's hope they discover this little "Homage" site so that they can gain an even view of the story, eh chums !!

Merry Christmas Everybody

Merry Christmas to all.
Thank you for reading the blog and for all your support this year!
Very best wishes for 2008
x

Buy My Book (Part Two)

Saints preserve us !!
Anya has deigned to post once more.
Could it be that she has taken pity on us little folks who have been worried about her ever since her book was released to an indifferent public who were distracted at the time by something shiny?
Or could she have some new words of wisdom to impart to her adoring sicko-phants, eager for the latest instalment of the life of a nobody who lives in a bedsit in London?

Alas and alack (what exactly is "a lack"?) the answer is no.
She just has some more flogging of her book to do.
This time in paperback (that'll be much more softer on the hind quarters in "The Reading Room" then, eh chums !!)

"Oh alright then", she must have thought (for I am privy to her innermost thoughts and feelings, dontcha know), "I'll bung out some old tosh on the website to justify posting again after I buggered off once the money started rolling in".

But what to write.. what to write ....
Obviously being homeless is right out the picture now (although she simply must mention it every now and then) but hey!, it's Autumn so why not write about that.

Don't forget, her most ardent fans have a limited IQ and must therefore be informed of even the most obvious events in their lives (Wipe when you've finished, Don't go out in just your underpants,.Don't stick your tongue in an electrical socket etc.)

So off we go with some old claptrap about Autumn.
And colours. Many many colours. Brown leaves, russet leaves, golden leaves, red leaves.
So many leaves (well, it is autumn after all).
And you know what those leaves reminded her of?
That's right.
Being homeless which you can read all about in her book which is just coming out in paperback form.

Gawd Blimey!
Stone the crows !!

Who'd 'ave Adam and Eve'd it !!

Ego Surfing

My mailbox had been inundated with literally one's of emails asking why there have been no updates recently.
Well dear readers, the simple fact is that, since Anya is swaning about spending all her book advance cash, she can't be arsed to post anything.
As this blog exists merely to balance the bullshit that she posts, I myself have little to post on the subject.

Oh sure, I could go on about what muppets the Glasgow terrorists were in not checking how wide apart the security barriers are before they decided to try and drive a vehicle through them (after all, it's not brain surgery!! HANG ON, one of them WAS a brain surgeon!!) or how Kate and Gerry McCann have made nearly a million quid from their disgraceful act of leaving their 3 children in an unlocked apartment in a foreign land but that would be digressing from our raison d'etre !!
To highlight the fact that Anya Peters is a con artist with a self serving interest in getting a book published.

So once again, another month passes with no news.
Well, except for the fact that Anya has taken to ego surfing to see just how famous she is and the best she could come up with is some obscure post on a foreign newspaper website.
Ahh well, never one to miss a chance at laughing at homeless people (now that she herself is the proud renter of a London Bedsit) she merrily chuckles at the picture of a genuine homeless person on the site.

Good on ya Anya.
Show the public what you are really like......

Why no sales?

As you know, I like to help out Anya wherever possible (advice on job seeking, lifestyle choices etc.) and so was dismayed to see that, despite the proud boasts of top ten chart positions for her book from Harper Collins, this doesn't seem to have translated into the real world. "Why ever not?" I pondered and was sorely vexed. So vexed in fact that, following a brainstorming session involving my top aides, I sent out my highly trained operatives from Wanderingego Towers to investigate.
They came back with some disturbing news.
Firstly some transcripts of meetings to decide the books cover were uncovered.

HC Bigwig: "What shall we do about this Anya Peters misery memoir book?"
Jenkins: "Why don't we put a picture of a sad kid and the book title in big letters?"
HC Bigwig:"Excellent idea, Jenkins. Now then, what shall we do about this Stuart Howarth misery memoir book?"
Jenkins: "Why don't we put a picture of a sad kid and the book title in big letters?"
HC Bigwig:"Another excellent idea, Jenkins. And what about this Terry Maguire misery memoir book?"
Jenkins: "Ummmm... a different picture of a sad kid and the book title in big letters?"
HC Bigwig:"My God Jenkins. You're on fire today !!"

Hmm... Clearly, the book has beeen subjected to the same exacting rigourous standards in deciding the book art and title. And then it came to me.
Of course !!
The Title !!

I mean, would you be attracted to a book that hinted at being dumped like a shopping trolley on a dark and stormy supermarket car park?
Especially when you could pick from a more provocative title that hinted at dark and dastardly doings?

I suppose Anya is also suffering from bad timing in that there is already an abandoned little girl who's grabbing all the headlines at the moment and so the public would much rather read about boys to create a bit of balance.