MUMMY !!

Greetings Anyaphiles,
As loyal readers will be aware, I've been waiting for Poundland to stock Anya's book before I splashed out my hard earned cash on a copy.
As it happens, Poundland have shown admirable taste and have not stocked it but luckily I came across a copy on t'internet and so was able to feast my eyes on the literary phenomenon of the decade (well, in Anya's eyes anyway).
Now, being the Big Man (Big Girl?) that I was, I decided to read it with an open mind.
And I managed it too for the first few pages.
Sadly the cloying stench of "poor ikkle me" brought my mental gag reflex into play and I started to speed read to avoid the interminable overuse of the word "Mummy".

394 instances of it.

As new fans of WS discover this blog I'd like to remind them that Anya did not in fact write "Abandoned" but rather prattled on at length to Andrew Crofts, a ghostwriter who churns out an inordinate number of books about any subject that people are willing to pay him for.

Andy (and I feel I can call him Andy 'cus we've swapped a few emails re: Anya) then compiles his subjects ramblings into a book which is flogged with the narrators name on it and he disappears over the horizon to work his magic on his next meaningless project.

It's probably no surprise then that Andy's brief was to highlight how terribly terribly hard done by our poor heroine was in her upbringing and subsequent adult life by tugging at our heart strings as evidenced by the overuse of the word "mummy".

Even in the present time (well, the book only goes up to when Anya was "discovered" so that's a couple of years ago) she (he?!?) uses the phrase "mummy" to exaggerate the view that Anya is a poor ikkle girl all alone in the big wide world without her "mummy".

Perhaps the most shocking aspect of the book is that the epiloge contains the URL of her blog.
Would that be so that folks can relive once gain those halcyon days of Anya's darkest moments when she dreamed of writing her own book?

Or maybe it's so that she can continue to bask in the warm rosy glow of all her fans who continue to leave sycophantic comments.
As all comments have to be authorised by The Great One herself, you'll find nothing negative on there though.

Deary me, No.

She cottoned on quite quickly to the fact that people were on to her and so now every comment has to be approved with only the most bum-licky comments gaining her seal of approval.

Still, I guess she has to fill her days somewhow now that she's no longer wandering (or indeed a scribe).

Toodles for now chums ......

The lonely shepherdess (Part 2)

Hopefully the nations favourite lonely shepherdess (can you name one other?) is on the mend following her calamitous media incident quad bike accident and can soon get back to what she's best known for.
Book promotion.
As mentioned previously the press took our little Bo Peep to heart and teased us with heart tugging nuggets such as “I would like someone to share my life ..." and "..all I really want is a companion to snuggle up to during the long, cold nights".

Even her book is being touted on Amazon as "A wonderfully romantic memoir"

The sheep love to hear Emma read from her book.

Strange though that the truth isn't quite so rosy and Emma appears quite adept at turning her back on the wrong kind of attention i.e anyone who isn't in the publishing world.
In fact she "does not reply to letters, smiles pleasantly at overtures in the street and has no wish to encourage anyone right now."
Come come Lass, that's no way to find yourself a fruity farmland fellow !

It's all a bit different from the story that was fed to newspaper readers back in April.

"As cupid’s arrow shoots through the blackest of night skies over Emma’s beautiful, albeit rundown and ill-equipped farmhouse, her dream of finding a soulmate to share her growing flock of sheep with, finally looks set to come true.

In a ‘will-she, won’t she’ find the man of dreams dilemma, Emma’s emotional tug-of-war tale is truly unique and uplifting."

PHEW !! It all sounds like a bit of a Bodice Ripper, eh folks?!?

I do hope there wasn't a more mundane hum drum reason why she chose to live out there in the sticks.You know, like basically needing some place to live.
Naaahhhh....
Shame on me for even daring to think it.
In fact, let's hear from the the vixen of the valleys herself for reassurance.

Oh ......

Now we all know that it's a lady's prerogative to change her mind but in these modern times it can be a bit embarrassing to have your volt-face so clearly on display.
"Show us an example!"  I hear you cry.
Okily dokily.

Back in October 2010 she was quite happy to compare herself to another lonely farm owner by the name of Hannah Hauxwell as she stated to Journallive; “I am worried I am so independent I am going to end up like Hannah Hauxwell...."

Frolic through the sands of time a mere 18 months and, with the publishing of her book which details what an independent woman of the noughties she is, it would appear she's conveniently forgotten her previous statement and instead now "....rejects comparison with legendary Hannah Hauxwell".

My oh my, what those young ladies have to go through just to flog their books eh...

Anyhoo, enough of this shameless self promotion.
Let's get back to the serious business of sheep rearing (which is what Emma proclaims is her true love).

Cheery Bye .....
 

The lonely Shepherdess

A few months back there was an article in some newspapers regarding a lonely shepherdess.

Lonely Emma posing with her book what she wrote.

Apparently this comely lass was roaming the lowlands of Northumberland , tending to her flock and living a solitary existence but her heart was heavy due to the lack of a handsome hunk to spend cozy nights with in front of her roaring log fire in her remote cottage.

All sounds very romantic doesn’t it?

What you may enquire does this have to do with our very own shepherdess of the Laneways?

Well hold your horses’ dear reader for I am coming to that.

I was recently curious as to what had become of this windswept heroine, out in all weathers, battling the elements to care for her flock with ne’er a loving pair of strong arms to enfold her gently yielding body as twilight descends on her tranquil cottage (am I setting the scene for ya?) so I did a little research.

Oh Ho !!

All is not as it seems.

Whilst the tabloid press and “meeja” had accentuated the “lonely shepherdess” angle, it turns out that our would be heroine had an ulterior motive to her plaintive pleading of a heart without a home in the shape of a book to plug.

Sounds familiar?

Now I know the link to our much beloved Lady of the Laneways is tenuous but it set me thinking as to how much trouble these poor dears are going to these days in order to get a book deal.

In this respect, Anya Peters should be proud of herself with her idea of promoting the “vulnerable female all alone in the wilderness” idea.

However, the actual wilderness for Anya turned out to have a very urban wrapping around it (library for warmth, hospitals for showers etc.) whereas Emma Gray (lovelorn shepherdess) actually was out there in the middle of nowhere.

Lonely Emma posing (again) with her book what she wrote.

Well, that’s what she wanted to portray anyway.

I'm a lonely shepherdess and I have a book to promote !!

But a little digging into the back story (as our yankee chums like to say) reveals that the initial newspaper articles (at least in England as opposed to Scotland) seemed to focus on the “poor heartbroken ikkle me” aspect of the story and totally ignored the “I have a book to promote” aspect.

She must have been a bit miffed at that.

Perhaps the newspaper hacks have become a bit cynical with every woman and her (sheep)dog trying to find a new angle to garner a bit of free publicity for their literary outpourings.

Or maybe they just want to sell newspapers.

Anyhoo, the lovely Emma's prayers were (apparently) answered when she was besieged with messages, letters of support and all sorts of well meaning fellows offering to share her lonely lifestyle.

Except she didn’t really want that.

All she wanted was some publicity for her book.

Oh dear.

That plan backfired a bit then.

Never mind though. There are plenty of other ways to get some meeja attention.

Oh look. I've just fell off my quad bike and ended up in hospital (well, if it's good enough for Rik Mayall and Ozzy Osbourne it's good enough for a lonely shepherdess with a book to flog!!).

Such a shame that her website isn't up to much.

Not to worry though. I'm sure "her people" will soon sort that out once the dosh starts rolling in from all her royalties.

Team GB wins Gold for Blogging

I can hardly contain my excitement as I am now the proud winner of an Olympic Gold Medal (Lawks-a-lawdy, is there no end to my talents).
Yes that's right, fans of homeless authors, I represented my country in the Olympics and won a gold for my harrowing tale of living rough in a clapped out banger in some woods down a laneway.
Competition was stiff with other contestants including some disabled kid and his courageous fight to live a normal life despite losing all his limbs in a freak accident at Disneyland (yawn) and some Nun who bravely protected some orphanage from guerrilla fighters in some African country or other (Double Yawn).
Luckily the judges could see who was the most deserving so and I am the owner of yet another accolade which only serves to highlight the terrible plight that I suffered (all those years ago now) and the book what I wrote (Did I mention that I wrote a book?).

World Class Hugs to all ........