MUMMY !!

Greetings Anyaphiles,
As loyal readers will be aware, I've been waiting for Poundland to stock Anya's book before I splashed out my hard earned cash on a copy.
As it happens, Poundland have shown admirable taste and have not stocked it but luckily I came across a copy on t'internet and so was able to feast my eyes on the literary phenomenon of the decade (well, in Anya's eyes anyway).
Now, being the Big Man (Big Girl?) that I was, I decided to read it with an open mind.
And I managed it too for the first few pages.
Sadly the cloying stench of "poor ikkle me" brought my mental gag reflex into play and I started to speed read to avoid the interminable overuse of the word "Mummy".

394 instances of it.

As new fans of WS discover this blog I'd like to remind them that Anya did not in fact write "Abandoned" but rather prattled on at length to Andrew Crofts, a ghostwriter who churns out an inordinate number of books about any subject that people are willing to pay him for.

Andy (and I feel I can call him Andy 'cus we've swapped a few emails re: Anya) then compiles his subjects ramblings into a book which is flogged with the narrators name on it and he disappears over the horizon to work his magic on his next meaningless project.

It's probably no surprise then that Andy's brief was to highlight how terribly terribly hard done by our poor heroine was in her upbringing and subsequent adult life by tugging at our heart strings as evidenced by the overuse of the word "mummy".

Even in the present time (well, the book only goes up to when Anya was "discovered" so that's a couple of years ago) she (he?!?) uses the phrase "mummy" to exaggerate the view that Anya is a poor ikkle girl all alone in the big wide world without her "mummy".

Perhaps the most shocking aspect of the book is that the epiloge contains the URL of her blog.
Would that be so that folks can relive once gain those halcyon days of Anya's darkest moments when she dreamed of writing her own book?

Or maybe it's so that she can continue to bask in the warm rosy glow of all her fans who continue to leave sycophantic comments.
As all comments have to be authorised by The Great One herself, you'll find nothing negative on there though.

Deary me, No.

She cottoned on quite quickly to the fact that people were on to her and so now every comment has to be approved with only the most bum-licky comments gaining her seal of approval.

Still, I guess she has to fill her days somewhow now that she's no longer wandering (or indeed a scribe).

Toodles for now chums ......

The lonely shepherdess (Part 2)

Hopefully the nations favourite lonely shepherdess (can you name one other?) is on the mend following her calamitous media incident quad bike accident and can soon get back to what she's best known for.
Book promotion.
As mentioned previously the press took our little Bo Peep to heart and teased us with heart tugging nuggets such as “I would like someone to share my life ..." and "..all I really want is a companion to snuggle up to during the long, cold nights".

Even her book is being touted on Amazon as "A wonderfully romantic memoir"

The sheep love to hear Emma read from her book.

Strange though that the truth isn't quite so rosy and Emma appears quite adept at turning her back on the wrong kind of attention i.e anyone who isn't in the publishing world.
In fact she "does not reply to letters, smiles pleasantly at overtures in the street and has no wish to encourage anyone right now."
Come come Lass, that's no way to find yourself a fruity farmland fellow !

It's all a bit different from the story that was fed to newspaper readers back in April.

"As cupid’s arrow shoots through the blackest of night skies over Emma’s beautiful, albeit rundown and ill-equipped farmhouse, her dream of finding a soulmate to share her growing flock of sheep with, finally looks set to come true.

In a ‘will-she, won’t she’ find the man of dreams dilemma, Emma’s emotional tug-of-war tale is truly unique and uplifting."

PHEW !! It all sounds like a bit of a Bodice Ripper, eh folks?!?

I do hope there wasn't a more mundane hum drum reason why she chose to live out there in the sticks.You know, like basically needing some place to live.
Naaahhhh....
Shame on me for even daring to think it.
In fact, let's hear from the the vixen of the valleys herself for reassurance.

Oh ......

Now we all know that it's a lady's prerogative to change her mind but in these modern times it can be a bit embarrassing to have your volt-face so clearly on display.
"Show us an example!"  I hear you cry.
Okily dokily.

Back in October 2010 she was quite happy to compare herself to another lonely farm owner by the name of Hannah Hauxwell as she stated to Journallive; “I am worried I am so independent I am going to end up like Hannah Hauxwell...."

Frolic through the sands of time a mere 18 months and, with the publishing of her book which details what an independent woman of the noughties she is, it would appear she's conveniently forgotten her previous statement and instead now "....rejects comparison with legendary Hannah Hauxwell".

My oh my, what those young ladies have to go through just to flog their books eh...

Anyhoo, enough of this shameless self promotion.
Let's get back to the serious business of sheep rearing (which is what Emma proclaims is her true love).

Cheery Bye .....
 

The lonely Shepherdess

A few months back there was an article in some newspapers regarding a lonely shepherdess.

Lonely Emma posing with her book what she wrote.

Apparently this comely lass was roaming the lowlands of Northumberland , tending to her flock and living a solitary existence but her heart was heavy due to the lack of a handsome hunk to spend cozy nights with in front of her roaring log fire in her remote cottage.

All sounds very romantic doesn’t it?

What you may enquire does this have to do with our very own shepherdess of the Laneways?

Well hold your horses’ dear reader for I am coming to that.

I was recently curious as to what had become of this windswept heroine, out in all weathers, battling the elements to care for her flock with ne’er a loving pair of strong arms to enfold her gently yielding body as twilight descends on her tranquil cottage (am I setting the scene for ya?) so I did a little research.

Oh Ho !!

All is not as it seems.

Whilst the tabloid press and “meeja” had accentuated the “lonely shepherdess” angle, it turns out that our would be heroine had an ulterior motive to her plaintive pleading of a heart without a home in the shape of a book to plug.

Sounds familiar?

Now I know the link to our much beloved Lady of the Laneways is tenuous but it set me thinking as to how much trouble these poor dears are going to these days in order to get a book deal.

In this respect, Anya Peters should be proud of herself with her idea of promoting the “vulnerable female all alone in the wilderness” idea.

However, the actual wilderness for Anya turned out to have a very urban wrapping around it (library for warmth, hospitals for showers etc.) whereas Emma Gray (lovelorn shepherdess) actually was out there in the middle of nowhere.

Lonely Emma posing (again) with her book what she wrote.

Well, that’s what she wanted to portray anyway.

I'm a lonely shepherdess and I have a book to promote !!

But a little digging into the back story (as our yankee chums like to say) reveals that the initial newspaper articles (at least in England as opposed to Scotland) seemed to focus on the “poor heartbroken ikkle me” aspect of the story and totally ignored the “I have a book to promote” aspect.

She must have been a bit miffed at that.

Perhaps the newspaper hacks have become a bit cynical with every woman and her (sheep)dog trying to find a new angle to garner a bit of free publicity for their literary outpourings.

Or maybe they just want to sell newspapers.

Anyhoo, the lovely Emma's prayers were (apparently) answered when she was besieged with messages, letters of support and all sorts of well meaning fellows offering to share her lonely lifestyle.

Except she didn’t really want that.

All she wanted was some publicity for her book.

Oh dear.

That plan backfired a bit then.

Never mind though. There are plenty of other ways to get some meeja attention.

Oh look. I've just fell off my quad bike and ended up in hospital (well, if it's good enough for Rik Mayall and Ozzy Osbourne it's good enough for a lonely shepherdess with a book to flog!!).

Such a shame that her website isn't up to much.

Not to worry though. I'm sure "her people" will soon sort that out once the dosh starts rolling in from all her royalties.

Team GB wins Gold for Blogging

I can hardly contain my excitement as I am now the proud winner of an Olympic Gold Medal (Lawks-a-lawdy, is there no end to my talents).
Yes that's right, fans of homeless authors, I represented my country in the Olympics and won a gold for my harrowing tale of living rough in a clapped out banger in some woods down a laneway.
Competition was stiff with other contestants including some disabled kid and his courageous fight to live a normal life despite losing all his limbs in a freak accident at Disneyland (yawn) and some Nun who bravely protected some orphanage from guerrilla fighters in some African country or other (Double Yawn).
Luckily the judges could see who was the most deserving so and I am the owner of yet another accolade which only serves to highlight the terrible plight that I suffered (all those years ago now) and the book what I wrote (Did I mention that I wrote a book?).

World Class Hugs to all ........

WanderingScribe Abridged (Part 5)

Dearly Beloved,

We are gathered here today to catch up on what's been happening in the world of WanderingScribe since she made her millions and (possibly) fled the country as an economic refugee.

A long time ago (but not in a Galaxy far far away) I provided a public service by presenting the abridged versions of Anya's posts as they tended to be mainly waffle. 

By doing so, I enabled new readers to the phenomenon that is/was WanderingScribe to quickly get up to speed with current affairs.

On checking back over previous posts I'm ashamed to say that the last "Catch up" article I posted was way back in January 2008,  a mere 4 posts below this one.

"Shame on you, Sir!" I hear you cry.

Shame indeed for The Worlds Favourite Authoress/Homeless Car inhabitant and Kiddie Fiddle Victim must surely have clogged up Bloggers servers with a multitude of posts in the intervening 19 Months.

Incredibly she made a total of 26 posts in that period.

Sacré Bleu !!

What literary nuggets of Gold have I missed?

Let's have a quick butchers, folks.

As per usual I have grouped posts in colour by months so that you can gauge the amount of activity.

11/01/08 - Got an application form for a writing course (but we thought you were already a writer, Anya?).

13/01/08 - I saw some birds

21/01/08 - I saw some more birds.

02/02/08 - Answered Fan Emails. Thought about when I was homeless and the book I wrote (did I mention I worte a book?).

04/02/08 - Heard that someone had died.

08/02/02 - Saw some trees

17/02/08 - Went rubbernecking to the scene of a fire. Reminisced about when I was homeless and lived in a car (about which I wrote a book).

08/03/08 - Finished reading some books (one of which I had in my car when I was homeless (did I mention that?)).

16/03/08 - Saw some Swans.

18/04/08 - Thought about a bookcase and whether there'll be room for my second book on it (A second book ! YIKES !!).

03/05/08 - Saw some Butterlies.

30/07/08 - My Book (which I wrote when I was homeless and living in a car) was published in Portugal. In case anyone cared ..........

23/08/08 - Read a book. Posted a recipe. Made a plea for fans to send in recipes so she can post them on her blog. Whaaaa......?? (Perhaps the next book will be a cookbook).

31/08/08 - Looking forward to Christmas and feeling lonely. Like I was in the car when I was homeless (well, you gotta keep plugging that book, aintcha.... !).

20/12/08 - Got a fan email from Mexico regarding my book which I wrote when I was homeless and living in a car.

30/12/08 - Been on holiday to Skye.

04/03/09 - Reminisced about the time I got in touch with a psychic that my Kiddie Fiddling dad told me to. She wrote me a letter.Which was nice. Then I became homeless, lived in a car and wrote a book. Which you can now buy (did I mention that?).

04/04/09 - Put a widget on my blog. Took it off again.

09/04/09 - Waffle.

15/04/09 - Waffle.

17/04/09 - Went on a writing course (Another one Anya?). Reminisced about when I was homeless and living in my car, as you do).

29/04/09 - Saw some flowers.

14/07/09 - Posted a religious tract (has dear old Wanderingscribe finally gone loopy and found religion?).

07/08/09 - Posted a peom by someone else.

28/11/09 - Posted a poem by someone else (again).

01/01/10 - Yet another poem by someone else (all those writing courses are certainly paying off, eh Anya).

21/01/10 - Just got back from the hairdressres (Huzzah! Back to the jucy kind of stuff the fans salivate over!).

17/04/10 - I'm reading a book (How's that for a gripping cliff hanger, folks!).

05/06/10 - Posted her screensaver. No doubt her fan(s?) will be rushing to emulate her taste in religious screensavers.

And there we are chums. All up to date with the goings on of one of this country's top literary giants

• Category: Got a book deal by pretending to be homeless.
• Sub Category: Lived in a car.

Phew. I dunno about you lot but I'm emotionally drained. I mean, the raw feelings. The posting of other peoples poems. The requests for recipes. The straying into religious ramblings. Does it get any better?

I think not.

At least, not on WanderingScribes blog. :)

Hugzzz....

Anya Peters

An Olympic Hopeful

Greetings Little People,
As most of my loyal fan base will be aware, I have been conspicuously absent from my beloved blog for quite a while.
Jetting around the World spending her millions certainly takes it out of a girl.


Still, being in a pretty exclusive category of World Class female authors (I think there's only JK Rowling and me at the moment) means that we have to get used to such a hectic lifestyle.
Naturally I appreciate it more then dear ole JK ‘cus at least she had a nice warm café to sit in while she bashed out those Harry Potter books whereas I only had a spooky old car down a dark laneway (did I mention that I wrote a book?).

Anyhoo, I have just popped back to my dear old blogging ways to keep you all informed of my latest exciting venture. "Not another worthy tome of homelessness and kiddie fiddling!!" I hear you cry in moist anticipation.
Well no actually.
What actually happened is now that I am an international best selling author I bump into all sorts of Celeb’s and the other day I shared a Mocha-Locca-Choccy-Frappachino with famed Director Danny Boyle.

Naturally I assumed that he wanted to make a film of my book with me in the starring role but instead he wanted to provide an inspirational piece for the forthcoming London Olympic Opening ceremony.

His idea was for the Stadium to consist of a giant wood down which winds a dark and foreboding laneway.

Slowly the trees part (they'll actually be Polish immigrants dressed up as tree's) to reveal a battered old car parked up.

Some suitably humbling narration would accompany the scene to inform the worldwide audience of my plight.

Then, as a tease, a door would open slightly and I would relive one of the many exciting scenes that I have shared with my fans whilst living in my car.
Namely the one where I had to crack open the door and, afraid to venture into the cold unforgiving darkness, urinate from the safety of my car onto the ground nearby.
After tumultuous applause (and no doubt the odd cry of "Awww.. wasn't she incredibly brave" from the audience, I would emerge and make my way (skipping through the wood as all manner of woodland animals come to me for a comforting stroke) to a local library where I would make another exciting blog entry.
Returning to my car, the lights would then dim and a myriad of sparkling giant 3D letters and words would then sprinkle down across the stadium onto my car, providing the inspiration for me to seek my book deal and ultimately, the path to untold riches and recognition as a World Class authoress and Kiddy Fiddled Victim.
I'm getting a bit teary eyed just imagining it.


We are still at the planning stage of this worthy extravaganza but I thought I'd give all you, my loyal book buying fans, a sneak preview of what may come to pass.
Keep your fingers crossed for me .............
Anya

Playing Catch Up

Hello dearest followers of Fashion, As you can see, it's been a while since I blessed your eyeballs with more of my inane ramblings but that's because I have been busy lobbying my MP to reduce carbon emmissions by campaigning for Baked Beans to be taxed as a luxury item at 200% VAT. Naturally, as sales of my best selling book (have I mentioned lately my book what I wroted all by myself about my exciting times living in a car?) have been on a bit of a slide, I have had time to think about the poor people. People like you who adore and revere me but don't have anything worth blogging about in their own humdrum lives. Such as living in a car. And you know what I decided to do for you? I've decided to write occasionally in my blog about things. Now I know you are probably already falling to your knees in gratitude but there's no need. It's my calling in life. I really do feel that the gap left by the passing of Mother Theresa (that old bint who wore a tea towel round her head) has left a spiritual gap that can only be filled by someone who has known true hardship. The kind of hardship that involves living in a car. You see where I'm going with this?

I lived in a car you know ......

I am sitting here trying to catch up with emails. Lots of them from people telling me how I saved their lives, the lives of their unborn babies, how I cured leprosy in their village, how I made water appear in the most arid deserts and how I cured cancer. All from reading my book. As I sit here in my dingy bedsit I'm always amazed at the view. Over there on the left are the great pyramids of Giza, just next to Niagara Falls. Then there's the twinkling lights of the Eiffel tower towering over the Mighty Amazon river. Sometimes I take a stroll down the Great wall of China that runs right outside my bedsit, past the Statue of Liberty at the bottom of my road, alongside the Taj Mahal and round the corner down to the local newsagents which sits under the shadow of the Colosseum. Stefan Tcholzinzki (the kindly bearded owner who reminds me of Dumbledore) always falls at my feet and gets his staff to scatter roses before me as I stroll up and down his aisles, selecting such exotic wares as half an ounce of Golden Virginia Hard Shag and a bottle of Peruvian Yaks milk before returning to my dilapidated bedsit to stare once more at my PC screen and immerse myself in the halcyon days of yesteryear. The days when I was living in a car. Did I mention that I once lived in a car? And I wrote a book which you can buy from the many many links and references I post on my blog. The self same blog where people come to leave such wonderful bum licky messages of support. Somehow life just isn't the same since I got four walls around me. Ahhhh... the good old days....... But of course you didn't come to my blog to hear about me popping out to to the shops or staring out the window at world famous landmarks that I can see (each and every one of them) from my Stained Glass Window (designed incidentally by Leonardo Da Vinci when he was staying in Hackney for a while). You came to post comments about how I have saved this entire planet by virtue of my great writing what I are wroting in mi book whot i are wroted. God bless you little people for merely dreaming to have the lifestyle that I have. For spending your hard earned welfare tokens on my book For you are the wind beneath my pants ......

Dickie birds in the rain

I looked out tthe window today.

It was raining.
I saw some dickie birds.

I might look out the window again tomorrow.

And write in my blog about it.

Cus the public are enthraled by my lifestyle.


They tell me so in the comments section.

Which is nice .......

Wanderingscribe Abridged (4)

As Anya has once again found herself at a loss for things to do and hence has returned to blogging to boost sales of her book, new readers may be wondering what all the fuss is about.

If someone brought you the book for Krimbo (and why would anyone think a depressing tale of child abuse and homelessness would make a spiffing present at Christmas?) and you discovered her site, you may baulk at the daunting task of reading through the blog.

Fear not Citizen because, as a public service, I have been taking notes and regularly present an abridged version so that folks can get up to speed in a jiffy.

Here in a special New Years Day Edition is the complete Wanderingscribe Blog, abridged for your convenience.
The posts have been grouped in colour by months so that you can gauge the amount of activity per month at a glance.

01/04/06 – Waffle
02/04/06 - Added NYT audio link to blog
03/04/06 - Added the PayPal button.
05/04/06 - Visited a library.
06/04/06 - Waffle

08/04/06 - Did some ironing in the hospital

10/04/06 - Nearly asked for a job in a fairground. But didn’t.
11/04/06 - Waffle
15/04/06 - Went to church. Saw an old friend. Thought about getting therapy.
20/04/06 - Waffle
22/04/06 - Did some washing. Had a shower and a cup of tea.
25/04/06 - Read lots of comments on the blog.
27/04/06 - Read some emails.
28/04/06 - Waffle
29/04/06 - Waffle
03/05/06 - Waffle
06/05/06 - Took down PayPal button. Switched comments to moderated. Got an agent.
07/05/06 - Been to some meetings
10/05/06 - Waffle
13/05/06 - Waffle
15/05/06 - Waffle
17/05/06 - Got a book deal.
22/05/06 - Looking for a place to live. Did an interview.
26/05/06 - Waffle
31/05/06 - Got a Bedsit. Made Beans on Toast.
09/06/06 - My neck hurts
25/06/06 - Turned off all comments completely.
26/06/06 - Unpacked. Ate some melon. Opened and closed a desk drawer a few times (seriously!!)
03/07/06 - Reminisced about when I was homeless and it was hot.

17/07/06 - Car broke down

17/08/06 - Waffle

26/08/06 - Been on holiday to Ireland

September - No posts

21/10/06 - Reminisced about when I was homeless and I slept in a car.

21/11/06 - Finished the book.

27/11/06 - Reminisced about when I was homeless and hungry.

24/12/06 - Bought presents and cards for friends (?)
15/01/07 - Reminisced about being homeless. Looking for a job.
21/01/07 - Got a cold. Had some Lemsip.
11/02/07 - Thought about my book.

March - No Posts

21/04/07 - Collected some stuff I had in storage (?).Reminisced about being homeless
30/04/07 - Saw my book in a bookstore.
01/05/07 - My book is out today.
08/05/07 - Radio interview to promote my book.
17/05/07 - Reminisced about being homeless.
27/05/07 - My book is in the charts.
18/06/07 - Went for a ride on a bicycle.
11/07/07 - Got sent a picture of a homeless woman.

August - No Posts

September - No Posts
07/10/07 - Here’s my paperback cover (in case you were wondering).
04/11/07 - Paperback out tomorrow. Went for a walk.
09/11/07 - Saw a fox.
20/11/07 - Saw someone buying my book. Reopened comments on blog but only approving and displaying nice ones
30/11/07 - Looking for a job. Want to write another book.
02/12/07 - Was going to go for a walk. Didn’t.
09/12/07 - Answered some emails. Reminisced about being homeless
21/12/07 - Thought about “Mummy” and kiddie fiddling Uncle.
24/12/07 - Christmas Greetings to all blog readers.
31/12/07 - Got a cold.

Riveting stuff eh !!

57 posts of pure literary errrr...... attempts.

Naturally you will be curious as to whether this is in fact a true picture of the events that transpired on her blog and you'll pop over for a quick shuftie.

Curiosity is a human trait (and one of cats too but it all ended badly for them).

But why bother?

After all, everything you read on the Internet is true, right!?!

*** Welcome to 2008 ***

© Anya Peters 2008

Yesterday’s News

As the change of pace continues to increase exponentially on this crazy planet we call home, it seems that publishers eagerness for misery memoirs is on the wane as they search for "The Next Big Thing".
With so many misery memoirs flooding the market and the non-stop barrage of reality TV shows on the box these days, it's only natural that "Reality Blogs" will also follow and news reaches my ears that the next blogging phenomenon to hit the bookshelves will be the everyday tale of a single mother scraping a living just above the breadline.

The author of Single Mother on the Verge is the latest blogger to be offered a book deal based purely on her ability to string a couple of words into a sentence on a blog.
Whilst her writing style may best be described as basic, she does at least seem to have an idea of how a blog works.

Indeed, although the blog has only been running for three months, she appears to have already won a blogging award, hardly quel surprise there as she is billed as a freelance writer, something our very own Anya aspires to be.
At this juncture, I can see new visitors to this humble blog thinking to themselves "Hang on, she wrote a book so she must be a writer".

Allow me to point out one of many many inconsistencies in Anya's story.
Whilst Anya herself might bang on ad nauseum about her writing skills, it was actually Andrew Croft who wrote "Abandoned" after Harper Collins brought him in once they caught sight of the standard of writing that Anya was presenting to them.

But I digress ............

It must be galling to Anya to see these young whippersnappers coming up to steal her limelight.
After all, the best Anya could come up with in terms of blogging awards was a nomination in 2006.
Even this humble homage managed that feat in 2007 and I have no skills at all.
Well, there is that one with the two ping pong balls and the tin of squirty cream but it doesn't translate well onto a blog .....

No wonder Anya's looking for a job and reminiscing about the good old days when she was (allegedly) homeless and had her whole future in front of her instead of diminishing in the rear view mirror of life.

Time to Blog again

As the book sales of the worlds least known author begin to dwindle and she starts to become restless once more for all the fame and adulation she truly thinks she deserves, it transpires that not only has Anya Peters started to blog again but she has even opened up the comments facility.

Regular readers may recall that although she initially had it open to allcomers, she limited posting to registered users as more and more people became sceptical of her motives and modus operandi.
Once the nay sayers and dissenting voices became the dominant force, she closed all comments altogether.
After all, nobody wants to hear the truth, do they!

Covered up under the guise of "not enough time to answer all the fan mail due to hectic press junkets etc", the ability to add comments remained closed.
Until now.

There could only be one or two reasons for this:
1. With book sales dwindling, her advance money spent and still facing life in a poky bedsit with no prospects, she has all the time in the world to blog and bask in the glow of people still taken in by her sob story.

2. She's desperately trying to fan the flame of publicity in any way possible now that her 15 milliseconds of fame are over.

Strangely though, despite several comments being added there's not one dissenting voice to be seen.

Now, this could be due to the fact that she has to personally approve each and every comment before it appears or it could be due to the fact that the only people that go there are muppets who are new to her story.

Let's hope they discover this little "Homage" site so that they can gain an even view of the story, eh chums !!

Merry Christmas Everybody

Merry Christmas to all. Thank you for reading the blog and for all your support this year! Very best wishes for 2008 x

Buy My Book (Part Two)

Saints preserve us !!
Anya has deigned to post once more.
Could it be that she has taken pity on us little folks who have been worried about her ever since her book was released to an indifferent public who were distracted at the time by something shiny?
Or could she have some new words of wisdom to impart to her adoring sicko-phants, eager for the latest instalment of the life of a nobody who lives in a bedsit in London?

Alas and alack (what exactly is "a lack"?) the answer is no.
She just has some more flogging of her book to do.
This time in paperback (that'll be much more softer on the hind quarters in "The Reading Room" then, eh chums !!)

"Oh alright then", she must have thought (for I am privy to her innermost thoughts and feelings, dontcha know), "I'll bung out some old tosh on the website to justify posting again after I buggered off once the money started rolling in".

But what to write.. what to write ....
Obviously being homeless is right out the picture now (although she simply must mention it every now and then) but hey!, it's Autumn so why not write about that.

Don't forget, her most ardent fans have a limited IQ and must therefore be informed of even the most obvious events in their lives (Wipe when you've finished, Don't go out in just your underpants,.Don't stick your tongue in an electrical socket etc.)

So off we go with some old claptrap about Autumn.
And colours. Many many colours. Brown leaves, russet leaves, golden leaves, red leaves.
So many leaves (well, it is autumn after all).
And you know what those leaves reminded her of?
That's right.
Being homeless which you can read all about in her book which is just coming out in paperback form.

Gawd Blimey!
Stone the crows !!

Who'd 'ave Adam and Eve'd it !!

Ego Surfing

My mailbox had been inundated with literally one's of emails asking why there have been no updates recently.
Well dear readers, the simple fact is that, since Anya is swaning about spending all her book advance cash, she can't be arsed to post anything.
As this blog exists merely to balance the bullshit that she posts, I myself have little to post on the subject.

Oh sure, I could go on about what muppets the Glasgow terrorists were in not checking how wide apart the security barriers are before they decided to try and drive a vehicle through them (after all, it's not brain surgery!! HANG ON, one of them WAS a brain surgeon!!) or how Kate and Gerry McCann have made nearly a million quid from their disgraceful act of leaving their 3 children in an unlocked apartment in a foreign land but that would be digressing from our raison d'etre !!
To highlight the fact that Anya Peters is a con artist with a self serving interest in getting a book published.

So once again, another month passes with no news.
Well, except for the fact that Anya has taken to ego surfing to see just how famous she is and the best she could come up with is some obscure post on a foreign newspaper website.
Ahh well, never one to miss a chance at laughing at homeless people (now that she herself is the proud renter of a London Bedsit) she merrily chuckles at the picture of a genuine homeless person on the site.

Good on ya Anya.
Show the public what you are really like......

Why no sales?

As you know, I like to help out Anya wherever possible (advice on job seeking, lifestyle choices etc.) and so was dismayed to see that, despite the proud boasts of top ten chart positions for her book from Harper Collins, this doesn't seem to have translated into the real world. "Why ever not?" I pondered and was sorely vexed. So vexed in fact that, following a brainstorming session involving my top aides, I sent out my highly trained operatives from Wanderingego Towers to investigate.
They came back with some disturbing news.
Firstly some transcripts of meetings to decide the books cover were uncovered.

HC Bigwig: "What shall we do about this Anya Peters misery memoir book?"
Jenkins: "Why don't we put a picture of a sad kid and the book title in big letters?"
HC Bigwig:"Excellent idea, Jenkins. Now then, what shall we do about this Stuart Howarth misery memoir book?"
Jenkins: "Why don't we put a picture of a sad kid and the book title in big letters?"
HC Bigwig:"Another excellent idea, Jenkins. And what about this Terry Maguire misery memoir book?"
Jenkins: "Ummmm... a different picture of a sad kid and the book title in big letters?"
HC Bigwig:"My God Jenkins. You're on fire today !!"

Hmm... Clearly, the book has beeen subjected to the same exacting rigourous standards in deciding the book art and title. And then it came to me.
Of course !!
The Title !!

I mean, would you be attracted to a book that hinted at being dumped like a shopping trolley on a dark and stormy supermarket car park?
Especially when you could pick from a more provocative title that hinted at dark and dastardly doings?

I suppose Anya is also suffering from bad timing in that there is already an abandoned little girl who's grabbing all the headlines at the moment and so the public would much rather read about boys to create a bit of balance.

This and Stats

Those of us who have been totally underwhelmed by the lack of any kind of publicity about Anya's heart wrenching book can take solace from the fact that it entered The Hardback Charts at No. 4.
Well, so they say on their own web site.

Being a stickler for the truth, I moseyed on down to the hardback charts myself to check the validity of this bold statement.
Straight away there was a fly in HarperCollins ointment.

In a similar vein to the music charts, many organisations produce their own charts, each claiming that theirs is the definitive version.
Hmmmm... Whither shall I wander to seek out the facts?

Now despite making the bold statement about Anya's chart position, HC are being a bit coy about which chart they are using.
A cynical person may even think they are using their own in-house version but let's not go there.

A quick bit of research threw up the fact that WH Smith produces their own chart regarding book sales.
Waahaayy!!
Surely they would count as a source of some gravitas, seeing as how they don't have any "in-house" authors to promote.

Anyhoo, their chart (updated 1st June 2007) shows no sign of "Abandoned".
Not at No. 4.
Not at No. 14.
Not at No. 24.
in fact, nowhere on the chart at all.
How curious.

Could the public have grown weary of the misery memoir market just as Anya's book hits the shelves?
Apparently not as at numbers 3 & 4 are a couple of misery memoirs (both published incidentally by Harper Collins - My God, they aren't half milking this corner of the market !!).

A closer inspection of the No. 3 title "Please, Daddy no" shows that it was ghost written by Anya's old mucker, Andrew Crofts.
To rub salt into Anya's wound, Harper Collins not only used the same bloke to write (sorry, I meant co-write) her book but they decided to publish it on the same day too !!

So how come there's no sign of "Abandoned" on a retailers hardback charts?
After all, "Please, Daddy no" was released on the same day and yet that appears to be bringing in the dough for Andrew Crofts and HC.

What's it all about, Alfie?

Let loose the pigeons !!
For she has deined to post once more. Tellingly though, with so much time on her hands and no more illusions of being a proper writer, the style and substance of Anya's posts have reverted back to a single block of text with no formatting and no style to break it up into manageable chunks. Am I being a liitle unkind, highlighting style over substance over content?

Come come, dear reader, that's all her blog has been for some considerable time.
And let's not forget the stated purpose of the blog as defined by Anya herself. It was to act as a kind of personal diary, to come to terms with her lifestyle and how she had gotten there.

Oooooo... K.

Nothing to do at all with self promotion in search of a book deal then.

Take my hand and come with me on a small but significant journey as we review some of the most recent posts in this soul searching tale of one woman's brave struggle to tell the world of her innermost feelings ....

Thursday, May 17
....it was terrifying how easy it was to fall off the radar and into that spiral downwards, how it all happened so quickly, as you'll see if you read the book....

Tuesday, May 08
I came into London today to talk ... about my book.

Tuesday, May 01
My book is out today.

Monday, April 30
I found myself in Waterstones looking for a book. Not mine...

Saturday, April 21
The thing I've been trying to avoid thinking about is the book...

Sunday, February 11
The book is entirely out of my hands now.....

Sunday, January 21
I can't believe I've actually written a book.....

I'm glad that's all cleared up then.

The blog was a chance for Anya to open up and bare her soul to others who may find themselves in her position and was in no way an exercise in self promotion in order to advertise her book.

Stop sniggering at the back ......

Read it and weep.....

Those of you who like a bargain will be pleased to know that after a whole 2 days on sale, Anyas fictionalised book (writen by a ghost writer) has now been reduced in price to the paltry sum of £6.99 on Amazon.

Of course, if you can't afford that hefty sum then you can always pick up a second hand copy from £6.50 from the very same site.

I'm still waiting for Poundland to get their stock in though.
Should be any day now at the rate that they are discounting it.

Blurble

At last !
The literary masterpiece is released to the public.
Such a shame that Anya didn't actually get arrested for shoplifting her own book but then again, there's no such thing as bad publicity.
Unless your name's Gary Glitter of course.

What will our intrepid blogger write about now?
After all, everything she has to say has now been said (by Andrew Crofts) so there won't be much point in continuing her blog.
If truth be told, once she'd secured the book deal, there was no more news anyway except for "teasers" about the book.

But hey!, let's not forget all the links on the right hand pane of her blog.
Let's see now.

• There's a link to her book on Waterstones.
• And of course, a link to her book on Amazon.
• Then there's the two links to BBC articles that mention her.
• Not forgetting the link to Le Monde that mentions her.

At least "The Agenda" is now clearly on view for all to see.........

Far be it from me to say "I told you so".
But ...........